Why Did They SAY That?

Have you ever shared something emotionally painful with someone you trust, only to have them respond in a way that basically feels like they threw ice water in your face? 

I have, more than once. And every time it involved a conversation about my parents' dementia ordeal. These comments were so upsetting that they stuck with me over the past couple of years. How could these kindhearted people say such heart-crushing things?  

Like, when I told a friend I hadn't seen in a while that both of my parents were experiencing severe dementia along with physical complications. I told them I was exhausted, scared and freaking out because my folks were no longer acting like themselves. To which my friend replied, "Well ... at least you still HAVE them."

Oh
My
God.

I wanted to scream, "NO, I do NOT 'have them' — because it's like my parents have left the building, as it were, and it's ripping my heart clean out of my chest!"

I was so angry in that moment, but thankfully I kept my mouth shut and said something benign like "I guess so." Then, I quietly fumed as I drove home. I later learned that my friend's parent had died when they were just a kid, so in their mind, having some remaining vestige of my parents was better than having none.

Then, there was the time I was having lunch with a business associate. They had heard about my parents' situation, and offered up this "helpful" nugget: "You know, one day when you go visit, your folks won't even recognize you."

Oh
My
God.

"How does this help me?!" I thought. After a few days — ok make that many months — I realized it was their way of telling me to hold on to what you can, because eventually, you'll have nothing of them left. Sounds sucky, but it's true.

At the time, I didn't need to hear any of my friends' nuggets of "wisdom," no matter how well-intentioned they were. At all. What I needed to hear was something like:

"I'm sorry you're going through that."

"How terrible."

"Geez, that sucks."

The tidbits from friends that DID get me through:

• "You must be exhausted."

• "I'm glad your parents have you."

• "Your parents love you very much."

• "You're a good daughter."

For me, the takeaway was that maybe not everyone knows what to say when a friend shares a terrible situation with them. And so...

If you are talking to a friend who is dealing with a Dementia, Dammit! situation:

• Just listen.

• Don't give advice unless asked.

• Share what worked for you, if you have relevant experience.

Or...

If you are going through a Dementia, Dammit! situation yourself, and someone says something eye-roll-worthy, try
to remember:

• They are concerned about you.

• They realize you're in an awful situation.

• They don't know what to say.

• They're showing up for you, even if their words aren't right.
  

Watching, caring for, loving or living with someone who has dementia SUCKS. Just know there are people who care about what you're going through, even if they don't express it in the most helpful way.